A Child's Fantasy
by phoenixyfriend
Summary: One morning, Itachi wakes up to find what may just be a living nightmare: all but four of the members of Akatsuki have been turned into children. The spared consist of himself, Deidara, Hidan, and Zetsu. And while they know exactly who did it, there is nothing they can do to reverse the problem until the perpetrator ceases to be entertained.
1. Toddler Trouble

**A/N: This has Phoenix Corporation involvement, and follows my Jashin story. If you don't know either, then tread carefully. You may not like the setup of the story, though I do hope otherwise.**

o.o.o.o.o

Itachi woke up to the sound of a toddler's wail.

This was plenty confusing, mostly for one very specific reason: there hadn't been any children brought to the base since Orochimaru had been kicked out, and even then the children had _always_ been drugged so that they wouldn't cause trouble during the experimentation.

There shouldn't have been any young ones toddling about.

As soon as he thought that, various thoughts popped up concerning reasons behind the possible wailing: Pein and Konan had had a child without telling anyone, and finally decided to introduce it to the Akatsuki; Orochimaru was trolling them; one of the members had fathered an illegitimate child and the mother couldn't take care of it; Zetsu had developed a taste for young flesh…

The list went on, and each theory was filed away for later perusal. He stood up, pulled on his Akatsuki cloak, and headed off to find the source of the wailing. He entered the living room and stopped short.

Oh… this wasn't good.

o.o.o.o.o

Hidan and Deidara were both much heavier sleepers than Itachi, with rooms farther away from the center of the base. Ergo, they didn't wake up to the crying child, but simply woke up at whichever time was normal for them. Deidara woke first, and his frenzied shouts woke up Hidan. Hidan rushed down to find Deidara standing in the doorway of the living room. He pulled the blond out of the way, only to find his jaw gaping at what he saw when he arrived.

"The f***?"

Itachi was sitting in the middle of the room, surrounded by toddlers, some smaller than others. He held one small, crying toddler in his lap.

"We have a problem."

"No s***. Who are… h***, is that Kakuzu?" He pointed to the largest toddler, one that had skin that was conspicuously darker than most people's, barring those from Kaminari no Kuni, and red and green eyes. There were stitches, only around the child's wrists, but stitches all the same. He was sleeping, hugging a throw pillow that was almost as large as his body.

"I believe so." Itachi put down the toddler he'd been holding, a… blue… one…

Kisame.

Itachi made a hand sign as he got to his feet, leaving behind several shadow clones to look after the children. He walked over to Deidara and Hidan, ushering them out of the room.

"Follow me." He set off down the hallway, motioning for the other two to follow. As much as they didn't want to take orders from him—Hidan because he was older, Deidara because, hey, it was Itachi—they followed along anyways.

"I sent out several shadow clones to see what had happened several hours ago after I found the children there. We are currently the only living adults in the base. All the others, barring Leader-sama and Zetsu, have been turned into toddlers. I cannot find note of where Zetsu is, and can only assume that he was off on a mission and out of range of whichever jutsu took out the rest of the base." He came to a stop in front of Pein's office.

"What about…" Deidara gestured at the door.

Itachi wordlessly opened the door. The body of the leader of Akatsuki was laid out on the floor, motionless. His eyes were open… and orange. There was no Rinnegan.

"What happened to his eyes, un? Is he dead?" Deidara came closer to the body, ready to poke at it.

"From what I can tell, he's been dead far longer than when we last saw him." Itachi said. "We last saw him yesterday evening, and yet his body is lax and cold. There is no sign of rigor mortis, and his body should not have dropped to such a low temperature already."

"On top of that…" Itachi continued, "One of the children in the room has no features that I recognize, other than a Rinnegan. There are also a number of odd circular scars littering his back, as if there were inch-wide cylindrical objects driven into him; they show signs of having been there long enough to heal around the objects, and then chakra-induced healing after they were taken out. It may be connected to the piercings that are all over this body." He gestured at the corpse.

Hidan stared down at the body, and then suddenly slashed at it with his scythe, though only enough for a drop or two of blood.

"Oi, what do you think you're doing, you idiot, un?" Deidara latched onto his arm and dragged him back.

"Get off, blondie." Hidan shrugged the younger off. "I can figure out how long he's been dead, alright?"

"…" Deidar stared. "Really, un?"

"That would be helpful." Itachi muttered, "But how?"

"Give me ten minutes. I can do it in less, but it won't be as accurate."

What followed was a ritual, blood drinking, and chants that no one but Hidan understood. All three of them studiously ignored the corpse.

Hidan sighed, letting the color leech out of his skin. "Well, I know how he died and… about how long ago it was, but it's d*** weird."

"Just tell us." Itachi commanded. Hidan shot him a dirty look.

"A decade, maybe a little more. Sacrificial suicide, stabbed in the heart with a kunai." He looked down at the body. "I found out who he was, too, and why his body's in this condition." He nudged the corpse with his toes.

"Well, un?" Deidara demanded, getting impatient. "Are you going to tell us?"

"This body, the original person was named Yahiko. He knew Konan as a kid. At some point, they met a third kid, gave him food, yada, yada, they became a group. Kid's name was Nagato, and he was probably the one that Itachi saw back there, the real Pein. I couldn't find the exact details, but apparently Yahiko," He pointed at the body, "Sacrificed himself to save Konan at some point. Nagato," He jerked a thumb over his shoulder, "Lost the use of his legs for the same reason. Then Nagato went a little 'round the bend, and ended up using this," He nudged the dead Yahiko, "and a couple of other corpses as proxies to interact with the world without putting his crippled body in danger."

Itachi and Deidara stared at him. "And you found out all that from a little blood, un?"

"And Jashin-sama." Hidan nodded, arms crossed and a smirk on his face.

Deidara's visible eye twitched. "Right…"

"What should we do about the children?" Itachi asked, glancing back down the hall as they exited the room, not wanting to stay in the room with the cadaver any longer. "I don't suppose either of you know much about raising a child?"

"Just a few baby-sitting D-ranks, un."

"Jacks***."

"Well, I remember some things from when my brother was growing up. That will, at the least, help a little. But we'll need to get supplies: food, clothing, diapers and a myriad of other things." The three headed off back down the hallway, reentering the living room, where most of the shadow clones popped, one remaining only a few extra seconds to hand over a small, sleeping child to Itachi.

One that even now wore an orange mask. Itachi held the small boy, barely more than an infant, close to his chest, bouncing him up and down a little.

A little redhead toddled up to Deidara; he had brown eyes, not ringed purple… Sasori. He tugged at the blonde's pants, looking up at him with wide eyes.

"What do you want, kid, un?" Deidara glanced down, only to see the little scorpion holding his arms out, asking to be picked up.

"Oi, Uchiha…" What was he supposed to do?

"Just pick him up." Itachi replied, having laid Tobi down to sleep on the floor, and moving on to comfort Konan. Hidan was doing his best to get Nagato to smile at him, but wasn't succeeding.

Deidara looked down at Sasori again, and got down to his knees. He held out a hand, feeling extremely foolish as he did so.

"Hey, kid." He wouldn't call Sasori a brat. That much of a role-reversal was a bit _too_ much. "You got a name?"

Sasori nodded shyly and took a step forward, putting his tiny hand in Deidara's. Deidara made sure to keep his mouths from doing anything as he shook the little kid's hand.

"My name is Sasori." The voice was barely a whisper, but Deidara heard it anyways. He also heard someone leave the room, probably Hidan, judging by the footfalls, but that wasn't important right now.

"That's a nice name, un. Very fierce." He pointed to his own face. "Do you want to know my name?"

Sasori nodded.

"My name is Deidara. Can you say that?"

Sasori scrunched up his face for a second, and ever-so-slowly repeated the name he'd just heard. "Dei-da-ra."

Deidara grinned, though it was a little strained. "That's very good, un."

While the smile he got back was still affected by the half-lidded eyes he'd learnt to accept, it was also leagues happier than anything else he'd seen from the man… from the boy.

He'd been so innocent, seeing this, that Deidara almost asked himself what exactly had happened to make him so bitter as an adult… but that was a stupid question. Anyone that grew up in a shinobi village, even a civilian, was bound to be a little messed up. Coming from a shinobi family, as he was certain Sasori had, just made the chances of complete devastation all the higher.

"Hm… are you hungry, un? What would you like to eat?" Okay, Dei, just wing it. You have no clue what you're doing, but you can figure it out.

Sasori, surprisingly, shook his head. He pointed at Itachi. "He gave us breakfast. I'm not hungry."

"Okay… so why did you come to me, un?" If the kid wasn't hungry, then why had he come over in the first place?

Sasori stared at him for a few seconds. "You look nice."

You look nice.

What. The. H***.

"I can't find my puppets. Chiyo-baa-chan gave me some for my birthday, but I can't find them anywhere. And you look less scary than the other two, so I'm asking you."

Deidara nodded slowly. "Okay… I'm sorry, but I don't think I've seen your puppets anywhere, un."

At least, not any that are suitable for two-year-olds, or however old he was. Giving Hiruko to him while he was, at most, three feet tall, was a very bad idea.

"Oh…" Sasori looked back down at the ground, a bit put out. Deidara bit his lip.

"Do you want to see something cool, un?" He asked, hoping it would keep him from having to deal with a cranky toddler. Said toddler nodded.

"Look at this, un." Deidara held out his hand, palm up. The tongue poked out and waved around a little. Deidara felt a small twinge of pride at the widened eyes and amazed open mouth. A small finger reached out to poke at his palm.

"Wow…"

So… chibi-Sasori was easily impressed. That was good to know. He snatched his hand away when Sasori went to touch the tongue itself. "Not the tongue, un."

Sasori blinked, and a small amount of fear—fear of what? Fear of him? Fear of rejection?—made its way onto his face. Deidara started to panic a little, but calmed down when he noticed Sasori rubbing a tiny fist to one eye.

"Time for a nap, un?" Please say yes, please say yes

Sasori just yawned. "Bed?"

Aw s***. Um… "I think I have a bed to put you in, un. You'll have to be careful though. Careful, and don't ask questions about the things you see, okay?"

Sasori nodded and grinned, and shuffled forward to give him a hug. Deidara looked down uncomprehendingly to see a pair of soft and stubby arms trying to wrap themselves around his torso.

"Er…" He patted the child's head. "Let's just go, un."

*Flash!* Deidara stood up in a fraction of a second, one hand shoving his partner behind his legs and the other grabbing a kunai. It appeared, though, that it wasn't necessary.

"Hidan? What the h***, un? Where'd you get the camera?" Deidara warily put the kunai away. That had been… embarrassing. A little… high-strung.

"Found it." He shrugged, a smirk on his face. "I have to say, that was adorable. If we ever get them back to normal without having to wait all those years, he's going to be embarrassed as f***, seriously."

He threw back his head and laughed.

"Hidan, please be quiet. Some of them are sleeping, and I'd rather not have to deal with them crying again. Also, watch your language around them. They're still too young to know that kind of language." Itachi admonished him, quietly.

"Yeah, well, whatever." Hidan grumbled. "It's not like we've got any clue about who did this. Though, since I just said that, we'll probably find out soon."

"That's ridiculous, un." Deidara scoffed.

"Not as much as you'd think, Blondie. I know someone that does things like this for s***s and giggles. If I'm right, they'll tell us on their own by lunch."

…Aw, he already figured it out.

o.o.o.o.o

Zetsu grew out of the wall, ready to report the information he'd gotten from his latest mission. He ended up looking in on three men, barely more than boys, some would say, that were trying to take care of half a dozen toddlers at once.

"What happened here?"

Itachi walked over. "You take Tobi. It'll at least get one of them off our hands. Don't eat anyone. We're still trying to figure out what happened. Hidan might know what happened, but he refuses to tell because it would make him sound insane, in his own words."

"**Why you three?**" Zetsu asked, glancing down at the still-masked baby in his arms.

"We don't know. The only thing we've been able to come up with so far is that we're the youngest in the organization, but that's a tenuous idea at best." Itachi replied, heading back over to where Kakuzu was trying to sneak up behind Hidan and 'stab' him with a plastic spork. Itachi wasn't quite sure _why_ Deidara had a giant box of plastic sporks in his room, and hearing that the box was originally Sasori's just brought up more questions.

"No, bad Kakuzu. Don't stab Hidan." Hidan had been, of all things, playing peek-a-boo with Kisame. Deidara was in a different room, watching over the kids that were still napping, namely Sasori, Konan, and Nagato.

"So what do we need to do?" Zetsu asked, awkwardly rocking Tobi back and forth in his arms.

"For now, I suppose I'm the one giving out orders. In any case, just don't eat anyone and help out when we ask you to. Otherwise, it would probably be best for you to start looking for a cure or who did this, since you're one of our two best sources of information, and Sasori is currently a child, and so can't access his spy network." Itachi picked Kakuzu up and moved him over to Kisame.

"I suppose it's almost lunch time. Don't eat the corpse in leader's room. I don't want anyone touching it."

o.o.o.o.o

Lunch was terrible. Not only did they have to feed half a dozen young children, they had to figure out how to do so without having any prepackaged baby-friendly foods on hand. There was also the fact that, as they were toddlers, the chibi-Akatsuki had a tendency to be extremely messy eaters. They also kept bothering Deidara to try and make him eat with his hand-mouths, something that Hidan found hilarious.

"Come on, Konan-chan." Deidara held the spoon with the boiled carrot in front of her, urging her to go ahead and take a bite. She staunchly refused.

"Hidan." Itachi got the man's attention as he came in with some food for the adults in the room. "It appears that you were mistaken."

"What was I so wrong about that you gotta shove it in my face now?" He wasn't whining, exactly, just irritated.

"Whoever it was that you suspected has not yet appeared."

"Yeah, you said they'd be here by lunch, un." Deidara mentioned, giving up on feeding Konan the carrots, switching to some mashed potatoes.

Hidan snorted, not looking at them as he continued to spoon some chicken soup into Kakuzu's mouth. "Just because you can't sense her doesn't mean she isn't here. I felt her flicker by a while ago. Trust me on this."

They had a little trouble doing so.

o.o.o.o.o

"It's quiet." Deidara said, leaning against the wall, near exhaustion. How could it be this exhausting to take care of a bunch of kids? At least they were kind of manageable now, but the TV would only hold their interest for so long.

"You idiot." Hidan said, face-palming. "You just had to tempt fate, didn't you?"

"What do you—?"

"Ohmigosh_ohmigosh__**ohmigosh**__, __**HI!**_" A red blur crashed into Hidan's midriff, knocking the wind out of him as it squeezed him in a near-deadly hug. Less than a second later, the blur was gone, and was dashing around the children. "_Aaah! Babies! Cute, cute, cute, cute, cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute!"_

The blur finally stopped, resolving itself into a very short young woman, hugging Tobi like her life depended on it. His face/mask was stuffed into her rather large chest, though he probably wasn't getting any enjoyment out of it, child that he was.

"Ohmigosh, you guys are f***in' adorable!" She put Tobi down more gently than they would have thought she would. Next thing anyone knew, she was latched onto Hidan's waist again, giving him a hug. "Hi, Hidan!"

"Get. Off. Please." He wheezed, and she let go. If she'd been normal, her face probably would having been blushing as red as her hair. As it was, she just grinned cheekily at him.

"I think you broke a few ribs."

"No s***. But dude, it's been, like, three entire f***in' years since I last saw you!" She tossed herself back onto the couch. "Like, f***, man. This should be a happy day, f***tard!"

Deidara, Itachi, and Zetsu stared unabashedly. Zetsu was the first to talk. "**Who are you, b***?**"

She turned towards the three (and a half) people on the side. She gasped. "Pretty!"

She went and hugged Itachi. Then Deidara. Then Zetsu. Then the wall.

"Is she…?"

"She's bats*** insane, if that's what you're asking. Or possibly just really eccentric, but I'm still gonna say that the 'lost her mind' idea is more likely."

"Shut the h*** up, f***tard." She turned away from wall, hands on hips. Then her grin grew wider, and she tilted her head to the side. "Do you want me to tell Shin-chan?"

"He'd take my side against yours any day, psycho b****."

She frowned. "C***. You're right." She thought for a couple seconds. "Phoenix?"

"Wild card. That b****'ll choose whoever she d*** well feels like, and no one can do s*** about it."

A cough broke the bickering. "What?"

Itachi raised an eyebrow. "Am I to assume that you are the one that did this? From what Hidan said earlier, it seems that you are the one he thought responsible."

"Me? Nah, I can't mess with age. But Phoenix did order it, so it was probably Goldstone, _maybe_ Chimera." She stared at him for a few seconds with wide eyes, and then got up, coming closer, closer, closer…

"So while you did not do this, you claim to know who—?"

*HISS!*

Large red bat wings sprang from her back. A devilish tail swept the air behind her as she grew horns. Her brown eyes bled red, turning to slits, and her incisors lengthened and sharpened until she had fangs, several inches long. Deidara and Itachi both sank into battle-ready stances, as Zetsu prepared to sink into the wall.

She popped back to normal, and then, throwing her head back, she laughed. "Holy s***! I can't believe that worked!"

The wailing of the little kids broke her out of her hysterics. "Aw, don't cry, little guys. I'm sorry~!"

She dithered for a moment, and then sprouted wings and a tail again, though the wings were now much smaller, and her fangs grew again to only a small bit longer than her other teeth. "See? I can be a cute little demon-girl!"

She lay down on her stomach. "You can play with my wings if you want!"

"Diamond." Hidan called, and the people present finally learned the girl's name. "Could we just talk in the other room?"

She frowned. "But…"

"Seriously."

A sigh. "Fine."

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: I decided to finally post all the stories that I've been considering writing but have never gotten around to. Which one I continue quickest will be a determined by both my own interest in the story, and the number (and QUALITY) of reviews. The chance of one of these stories dying isn't high, but they will definitely be slow, so if you really want to see one continued, leave a review, one more than just a line or two long.**

**Question: Do you want Yahiko to be brought back?**


	2. Explain This

**A/N: If you haven't seen the Agents in any of my other works, don't comment on Diamond's power level. She's **_**designed**_** to be like that. Everything she is and does is supposed to be over-the-top. If you think she's a Mary-Sue… go right ahead and think that. She definitely skims the edge of that, though her unstable mental state makes that a questionable label.**

o.o.o.o.o

Agent Diamond sat on the edge of the desk, swinging her legs back and forth. Her entire body was held in a very childish manner, and her expression was one of boredom.

At her side, draped across the desk, lay Yahiko's body.

Talk about disrespect to the dead. No, really. Go ahead, talk. I'd like to hear your thoughts on it.

"What are you doing?" Itachi was the one who finally voiced the question on everyone's minds. The girl had just walked in, grabbed the body, hopped onto the desk—crumpling a number of presumably important papers—and stared at them.

"Waiting for you to deal with it. Dear God, it feels like I've been sitting here for months." She complained, glaring at the ceiling.

"I see," No, he didn't.

There was silence for several more seconds, and then Zetsu took it upon himself to ask. "Why did you turn them all into children?"

She frowned at him. "I didn't. I just know that it was done on Phoenix's orders."

"Then why were you chosen as the one to explain it to us?" Itachi's face was completely emotionless.

"Because the ninja-verse is one of the ones under _my_ control. Chimera's got the HP universe. The quad takes care of the OP-verse. Nightingale has Bleach. I've got this place and the Twilight-verse. I mean, we've all got other places to take care of, but our main attention tends to focus in certain areas, and my attention is in this universe." She seemed to get almost angry as she spoke.

Her claims weren't going over very well with her audience, however. Hidan seemed to just find her irritating, but the others… they had trouble believing her at all.

She pinched the bridge of her nose. She _could_ try this, but…

"Alright, I'll prove it, but you can't panic, and don't leave the room. How many interactions have you had so far with Jinchuuriki or bijuu?"

"Enough." Itachi's arms were hidden, but it was obvious that he was going for a weapon.

Diamond glared at him. "Fine. Information on this doesn't leave the room. I'll keep it centralized here, but it's going to be strong."

She looked around at them all for a short moment, and then nodded to herself. She reached up and maneuvered down one of her gloves.

There were tattoos underneath. No… not tattoos, _seals_. Of varying colors and sizes, but there were seals all over her arm, at least a half dozen in sight, some of them interlocking.

She put a finger to one, a droplet of blood on it from unknown origins, and then looked back up at them. "Don't panic."

There was a small pulse of energy as she pushed the seal to disappear, the blood acting as a conduit… and then it all crashed down.

The pressure was enormous. It was as though their very souls were being dragged down by the sheer power that the girl was exuding. She sat as she was, seemingly innocuous, and staring at them with tired eyes. Contrary to her actions, she _looked_ like a porcelain doll, small, sweet, and delicate enough that a strong wind could crush her.

It was as much power as a bijuu produced, raging and spilling out killing intent. No, it was different, but…

She put a finger back to her arm, and the seal reappeared.

"W-what the h***, un?!" Deidara yelled, staring directly at her. She glared back.

"See, this is what happens when I try to be nice. People don't believe me. Well? Do you believe me now?"

Itachi eyed her clothing for a second. If every article she was wearing was covering similar power limiters, the girl was…

"What do you want with us?" Itachi's Sharingan spun to life, nailing Diamond on the spot.

"Entertainment." And she was grinning again. There was a mad glint in her eye, one that thirsted for blood. "You're our playthings, ya know? We need a safe haven of cuteness… which you are going to be providing for us."

She hopped off of the desk and casually strolled up to Itachi, as he seemed to be the one in charge by now. Whether they realized it or not, the other Akatsuki members were defaulting to his judgment so far… or at least tolerating it that he had taken control.

"You don't get it, do you?" She chuckled. "I'm _powerful_. I am more powerful than you are. You are incapable of fighting me. Do not try to attack me, or anyone I affiliate myself with as an equal, or my superiors. I don't have problems dealing with you guys _like_ equals, but you're going to have to accept the fact that, S-rank or not, you're not at the top of heap where I'm concerned."

"Great." Hidan was surprisingly calm, but he may have experienced something like this before. "You still haven't told us why you're here in the first place. Obviously, you came partly just to taunt us—"

"Because I'm a b****, and so is Phoenix."

"Yes." Hidan agreed. "But there had to have been an official reason too."

"Other than explaining things?" Diamond shrugged. "I have to tell you guys why we only chose certain people to change, after all, as well as some stuff about this guy." She smacked the unmoving, dead chest of the Deva Path.

"Then do it."

"A**hole."

"B****."

"Basically, you three are still your real ages because we wanted you to be, but the reason I'm supposed to give you is that your all under twenty-five, which we decided was the cut-off age, so to speak."

"**What about us?**"

Diamond slowly turned to Zetsu, face unreadable. "Don't know. Your age is a bit muddled, because of the nature of your halves, but… that's probably it, because just being out of range probably would have done nothing. Your black half is about the same age as Deidara, and the white… I'm not even going to _try_ to get into _those_ logistics."

She shook her head. "Well, it's been fun and all, but I've got to go." She picked up the corpse and hefted it over her shoulder.

"Uh… what are you going to do with that, un?" Deidara pointed at the body.

"Well, _I_ certainly can't bring the dead back to life." Diamond sniffed. "I've got to take this back to headquarters, and then see if we're going to decide on keeping him an adult or regressing him like the guys you found. I mean, he was in his early twenties or something when he died, but he would be in his middle or late thirties by now. Plus, he's been, like, _really _dead."

They stared at her.

"Don't worry. You'll have him back by the next chapter. Bye!" There was a flash of light, and she was gone.

…

"This isn't even the first time she's pulled this kind of s***." Hidan mused.

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: Sorry… it's short, I know. Next chapter, we get back to the baby madness.**

**EDIT: Okay, I apparently didn't make this clear. TELL ME whether you want Yahiko to be an adult or not. I'm leaning towards adult, but I'm not sure yet.  
**


	3. The First Night, The First Morning

**A/N: I've recently learned that I'm surprisingly good at writing fluffy stuff with Sasori and Deidara. It's been happening a lot in RaH too, despite the completely different dynamics. It's not even like there's canon fluff for the two to build upon… I just **_**really**_** like writing fluff for these two for some unknown reason.**

…**On the upside, it's completely adorable.**

**Also, I consider Samehada to be female. Just keep that in mind while reading.**

o.o.o.o.o

Deidara's eyes blinked open as he felt something tugging on his leg.

Oh, come on! He was _tired_. Keeping up with a bunch of little kids was _hard_. They never stopped talking, and they had no sense of art, and they always ran away, and bath time was—

"Deidara-nii?"

…Okay, that was kind of cute.

He looked down, well, sideways, but he was looking at his feet. A toddler redhead, impossibly swaddled up in large amounts of cloth, looked back at him. Sasori.

Who had just referred to him with "nii" as a suffix. It was admittedly rather adorable, but this was _Sasori_. It was just _weird_.

"What's up, kid?" He sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

"Bad dream."

Deidara raised an eyebrow, but rationalized it away with the idea that this child was two.

"What do you need?" He wracked his head to remember what his cousin had done for him growing up. Let's see… there was always the option of a glass of warm milk, right?

"…" Sasori didn't answer, just stared at the ground. Deidara sighed and got up.

"C'mon kid. Let's go get you something to drink, alright?"

Sasori nodded, and held out a hand, almost unconsciously hoping for Deidara to take it. The blond complied, leading the puppet master turned little kid down to the kitchen.

They sat at the kitchen table, Sasori in Deidara's lap, clutching a small plastic cup of heated milk. Deidara's arms encircled his waist, making sure he didn't accidentally slide out and fall.

Sasori seemed to fall back asleep halfway through the drink, prompting Deidara to carry him back to the room.

"Dei-nii?" Gah! Why did that sound so cute? This was Sasori! He should not be sounding _cute_!

"What?" Deidara muttered, wary of speaking too loudly so late at night.

"Can I stay wi' you?"

Deidara was silent for several seconds, mulling it over. "Well… yeah. Sure."

Sasori yawned. "'Ank 'ou."

"Sleep, kid."

Deidara carefully maneuvered the door open, noticing another close out of the corner of his eye. Looks like Itachi had woken up and noticed the little midnight escapade.

Putting Sasori to bed now, when he was half-asleep, was much easier than it had been earlier in the night. It also turned out that Sasori, like most children, was prone to cuddling, particularly at night.

Deidara tried not to fidget as he felt tiny fists clutch his shirt, and a small head try to burrow its way closer to his chest as little knees dug into his stomach. He put his arms around Sasori, a little awkward, but hugged him close all the same.

The child's breath evened out slowly, as he fell into deeper and deeper sleep, curling closer to Deidara, but simultaneously relaxing. Deidara followed several minutes after he was convinced that Sasori was asleep again.

o.o.o.o.o

Hidan knew that taking care of Kakuzu would be difficult. They didn't get along as adults, and they probably couldn't get along with the elder turned into a toddler.

He was right.

Kakuzu started their changed relationship off with several attempts of spork-stabbing. He continued it with a fussy bath and a refusal to actually sleep. It was rounded off by this morning, when he rose at the crack of dawn and decided to wake up Hidan with a malicious smirk and a body-slam into the bed.

Joy.

o.o.o.o.o

Itachi had Kisame in his room, as well as Nagato and Konan. The latter two refused to be separated, and Kisame seemed to have an inordinate attachment to Samehada. The problem wasn't the attachment; it was that he hadn't had the attachment until adulthood originally, which meant that he shouldn't have that attachment now. And yet, he still held onto it like it was the most important thing in the world to him (though Itachi seemed to be a very close second. A very, very close second).

Nagato and Konan, though… they were… sweet, in a way. Konan had a crumpled piece of paper stuffed into her hair within seconds once she found one, and Nagato was, well, he was shy. He ducked his head a lot, as if hiding his eyes, and often hid behind Konan when the others tried to be social. Though, Itachi had noticed, the dynamic reversed quite drastically when a true danger approached. When Diamond had made her entrance, and developed such demonic features, Nagato had quickly shoved Konan behind him, not that he was any less scared than she was.

Deidara had walked by with Sasori in the middle of the night, and the morning had started with Hidan ranting at Kakuzu for some slight that Itachi didn't care to discover.

Itachi crouched down to the floor as the children in the room came to him, broken grammar in place as they asked what was going on. Itachi sighed and noted which child seemed to need it most at the moment, Konan, and picked that child in question up to rest against his hip as he'd seen many a young mother do in Konoha.

"Hush, children… let's just get you all down to breakfast, shall we?"

Samehada crawled by, Kisame sprawled out on her back.

o.o.o.o.o

Tobi was not a very difficult to child to care for, quite contrary to what many people would have expected. He was quiet, he was agreeable, and he was very happy to see Zetsu.

This may have had something to do with the fact that the damage done to his body had _not_ been fixed.

Obito… it was really Obito, now, not Tobi, because Tobi came along later, a happy mask to hide the broken boy that had lost too much too young, based off of a friend that he had not seen in years, swirl-faced as he was. His body was half plant, half of the same thing that Zetsu was. Zetsu had noticed things, and he was sure the others had too: the children, as they were, seemed to remember some things, but not _information_ as such, but… affections, maybe. Relationships. That sort of thing.

Konan and Nagato were proof enough. They hadn't known each other that young. Zetsu knew that they hadn't met until they were at least six, maybe even up to nine years old. They hadn't known each other way back when they had been only a little over a year old. But they acted as though they did, as though they had. They treated each other as the most important things in the world. Similarly, Sasori had shown an attachment to Deidara, and Kisame's mild obsession with Samehada and slight ties to Itachi were also interesting. Kakuzu was a little odd, but he frequently tried to kill Hidan as an adult so maybe it wasn't quite all _that_ strange…

And then there was Tobi. Tobi, who had been Obito, and who had spent several years of his supposed childhood growing up in an overlarge underground cavern with Zetsu, the original Tobi, Madara, and the misshapen clones incapable of doing much more than feeding Madara with life.

That meant that Obito, in general, associated Zetsu with his childhood, particularly the white half with a fraternal figure and the black half with a parental figure.

A brother and a… well, not a father, but a grandfather or uncle, certainly.

The point was that Obito _trusted_ Zetsu, and that trust carried over into this child that he had become. He was attached to the mask, too, and despite being barely a year old physically (he was the youngest in that regard), had fine enough motor control to repeatedly trace over the swirls.

Zetsu had never cared for small children. Unfortunately, he couldn't bring himself to let any of the others take care of Obito because…

_D*** it_, he f***ing cared, alright? He'd helped Obito get better after the boy had needed to relearn how to walk and run and fight, and how to use his new arm once it grew in. He'd helped him over the years just by being there as the only other person to know everything. He'd even gotten a _psychology_ degree, ironic as it was, to see if there was any way to help Obito with his massive trauma problems.

In other words, he cared about Obito, maybe even a little too much.

As the smell of breakfast wafted up (it smelled like cornmeal), Zetsu picked up Obito, slipped the mask back on (and changed his own thinking to calling him Tobi), and calmly went downstairs.

Deidara was probably the one cooking, and might be convinced to help Zetsu figure out how to care for Tobi, to make a bottle of warm milk or whatever. So long as no one tried to make Itachi boil something again…

The fire had been big enough the first time around.

o.o.o.o.o

Hidan rubbed the back of his neck, walking over to the door after the bell rang. They hadn't ordered anything, so it wasn't that, but…

He opened the door, not bothering to check for any traps.

"Um… hi. I was told that I've been dead for the last decade or so, and that someone here would explain the rest. Can I, uh, can… can I come in?"

Hidan stared at the man on the porch.

It was Pein. But not. There were no piercings, and he looked younger, maybe around the same age as Hidan himself. And surprisingly nervous, though the red blur running away several miles behind him may have had something to do with that.

It was Yahiko.

F***.

…Itachi could handle the explanations. Hidan wasn't bothering with this s***.

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: A large part of Zetsu and Obito's relationship was inspired by ****Cavallo Alato****'s "Adventures of Obito" series, with permission. It's funny and cute, and still occasionally has dark, poignant moments. The idea of Zetsu getting a psychology degree, however, is all me. If you've read GC, you've seen me use it before (long before I ever came across Cavallo's lovely stories).**

**This story is actually receiving a larger number of reviews than the other two under the minor label, so… huh. Interesting. Probably because I keep offering you guys options and things.**

**As you can see, I decided to make Yahiko an adult. The score was five adult (including me), and three child. I was originally going to have him show up asleep in a casket, just for irony's sake, but I decided against it.**

**Ja ne,**

**Phoenix.**


	4. Initiating the New Guy

**A/N: Okay, so last chapter, with the cornmeal that Zetsu smelled during breakfast… That was actually a reference to a common breakfast food for my family: kačamak, which actually is made from cornmeal. My family is originally from Serbia, and I moved to the US when I was a little younger than two years old. It didn't occur to me that this may not be a common dish for everyone, so I added this little explanation here. In my family, we usually boil it until it's **_**very**_** thick (thick enough that you have a little difficulty grabbing some and squishing it in your palm), and then either eat it in chunks from a bowl of milk, which is sprinkled with sugar, or (and this one was particularly common when I was younger) we'd use a spoon to flatten it out on a plate and use cookie cutters to make shapes (and not always eat them; we just had fun making the shapes).**

**So… culture lesson of the day?**

**Also: no idea how to write toddlers. I can pass of Sasori being able to speak due to him being a prodigy, but the rest, barring Kakuzu…**

o.o.o.o.o

Yahiko fidgeted at the table as he sat under the scrutiny of the four adult Akatsuki members left. Various clones had been left to care for the children (with Deidara's clay clones being banned within seconds of the first suggestion of clones watching over the children), so that they could all speak with Yahiko at once.

"So, are you going to keep staring at me like that, or…?" He made a few vague movements with his arms.

"**We could eat you.**" Zetsu suggested, though the white half quickly began to berate his other side since Yahiko was a guest. Presumably.

"Yeah… or, alternatively, tell me who you all are and what's going on?" Yahiko gestured to Hidan. "He didn't really say much."

"The h*** I'm explaining this alone." Hidan grumbled, crossing his arms in irritation. This was already a bad day. He didn't need more problems coming from the dead guy.

Yahiko turned his eyes to Itachi, who was far more composed than Deidara and Hidan, and far less strange and, forgive him for saying, cannibalistic than Zetsu. "So…"

"Did you see the children?" Itachi's question was quiet and, while the note of enquiry was audible, it was difficult to discern from his regular monotone.

Yahiko shrugged. "A little. I saw some little kid with red hair and a wooden doll stare at me for a few seconds from a doorway. Then he heard something and ran away, but…"

"Sasori." Deidara confirmed. There were only two redheads among the children, and while the doll wasn't necessarily an indicator on way or the other, Yahiko would have mentioned the Rinnegan had he seen it.

"Yeah, okay. So, there are more?" Yahiko drummed his fingers on the table, slowly growing more accustomed to the situation. "Kids, I mean." Then he seemed to suddenly remember something. "Hey, you guys never actually told me your names."

"I am Uchiha Itachi." Itachi's gaze didn't waver, even as he pointed to the others at the table. "Zetsu, Deidara, and Hidan. If I am not mistaken, you said your name was Yahiko."

"Um… yeah. I did. And I'm supposed to be dead, but—" Yahiko started, but was interrupted by Deidara.

"But the crazy redheaded chit decided to get a friend of hers to bring you back for some laughs?"

"…Sure." Yahiko stared at the blond for several seconds, and then turned back to Itachi, who seemed to be the strangely undisputed leader of the group for now. It wasn't strange that he was the one in charge, just that he wasn't being challenged for the spot. "So… what do the kids have to do with it all?"

Itachi was silent for several seconds, and when he spoke, his words were slow and measured. "The Akatsuki that you created did manage to take Amegakure, but was later turned into an organization of S-class criminals, operating under the supposed goal of taking over the world, though there has been frequent doubt cast upon that claim. Zetsu has, in particular, told us of the goals that were in place for both Pein, the man you once knew as Nagato, and for… 'Tobi.' However, he refuses to tell us Tobi's real identity for the time being, though he admits to him not being Uchiha Madara, as claimed."

Zetsu shrugged, unrepentant, with the enormous plant on his shoulders moving strangely at the action.

Yahiko waved his hands in front of him, eyes squeezed shut, as though warding off further information. "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait." He put his hands on the table, took a deep breath, and then opened his eyes and looked up and across the table again. "You're telling me that the group I created to cause a revolution in Ame became a criminal organization bent on taking over the world."

"…Yes."

"Bulls***."

Yahiko sat back in his seat, arms crossed, glaring across the table. "Nagato and Konan wouldn't do that. And I know they didn't die, because if they had, they'd be here right now."

"I did say that doubts were cast upon the true goal." Itachi's counter was smooth, and avoided the topic of Nagato and Konan.

Unfortunately, Yahiko didn't.

"Where are they, by the way?" Yahiko looked around, as though expecting the two to pop out of one of the cupboards.

Itachi frowned and leaned forward, doing a pose that many would compare to his younger brother, or to a certain man named Gendo Ikari, from a far-off dimension that no one there had ever heard of. "Yesterday morning, I woke to find a large number of children in the living room of the base, and many of our comrades were nowhere to be found. The children bore a near impossibly strong resemblance to the missing comrades."

The stare that was being passed between Yahiko and Itachi, orange and red, caused the tension to increase almost visibly as Yahiko quickly realized exactly what was being implied here.

"How much do they remember?"

"Presumably nothing, though they show attachment to people and objects they were close to as adults."

Yahiko frowned. "The Rinnegan."

"Present, for unknown reasons, and constantly active."

Yahiko leaned forward, glaring at Itachi. "Ages?"

"The ages appear to be approximately one year for Tobi at the youngest, and approximately two and a half for Kakuzu at the oldest." Itachi didn't even blink at Yahiko.

The man with the orange hair stood up, hands still on the table, still leaning across to stare into Itachi's eyes, a humorless grin on his face.

"Show me."

And he did.

o.o.o.o.o

They were so small.

That was pretty much Yahiko's first thought on seeing the miniaturized Akatsuki.

Then the thought that they were all far too cute to be past/future S-rank criminals popped up.

It was true, though. The redheaded toddler, the one _without_ a Rinnegan, immediately ran to the blond guy (Deidara, right?) and held his arms up in a silent plea to be picked up. Yahiko was surprised to see that Deidara not only picked him up, but also started talking to him with a small smile on his face. The blue kid on the… thing immediately went to Itachi, while the largest of the children, with the rather dusky skin tone, attacked Hidan like a madman. One small baby wearing a mask, the smallest of the children, slowly crawled over to Zetsu, half its body seemingly paralyzed.

But Yahiko didn't really see anything past the start of Kisame's run to Itachi, because something else caught his eyes. Two somethings, actually. Two very _small_ somethings.

Konan and Nagato.

As toddlers.

Just staring at him, like they thought they recognized him but couldn't quite place him.

Yahiko swallowed, his eyes burning a little, but he kept his composure as he knelt slowly to the ground, so that his eyes were level with theirs.

"Hey."

The two of them edged closer, with Nagato standing behind Konan, too shy to be in full view. Yahiko could remember that Nagato had always been the shyest of them.

"Hi." Konan's voice was quiet. She tilted her head to the side. "Who you?"

Yahiko didn't let the hurt show on his face. Of course she didn't remember him. She didn't know him, not yet.

"I'm Yahiko. What's your name?" Might as well play along.

"Konan." She pointed behind her at the half-hidden Nagato. "Naga'o."

Yahiko nodded. "It's good to meet you, Konan-chan."

She looked at him again, and then over at Itachi, who was watching the scene pass with no emotion. Yahiko felt a short surge of spite at the man, but it was gone when Konan turned back to him and, ever so slowly and hesitantly, almost asked, "Yahiko-nii?"

Yahiko gulped and nodded, smiling slightly. "Yeah."

Itachi watched the scene dispassionately. At least that meant he no long had to take care of three children at once.

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: Okay, so there seemed to be a little confusion over ages, so here. They're just barely pre-Shippuden:**

**Deidara: 19  
Itachi: 20  
Hidan: 22  
Zetsu: Unknown for the white side, somewhere around 18 for the black side**

**Yahiko: Undead, presumably somewhere around his early twenties, so I'll say 24.**

**Obito/Tobi: 29 (assuming his age is the same as Kakashi's); 1  
Kisame: 32; 1 and 2 months  
Sasori: 35; 1 and 4 months  
Konan and Nagato: Presumably somewhere around the same age as Sasori  
Kakuzu: 91; 2 ½**

**Does that clear things up a little?**

**I think I caused something weird between Itachi and Yahiko. They weren't supposed to be like that, but there's some weird rivalry going on now, and I'm not sure how that happened.**

**Ja ne,**

**Phoenix**


End file.
